The Calm

I too fear the wait

its purpose not defined

Oh! Damn the minutes!

Decrepify the misfortune. Realign and Rennovate

I just caught myself doing something very very strange.

I was demotivated. I was captured. I wasn't feeling whole and normal. I was falling prey to that insensible of frustrations that I had told myself would never bother me again. I had slipped. I had slumped. I was down but not destroyed. I realize now what a line I nearly crossed.

I caught myself qualifying myself to somebody!

Wrong thinking begets wrong attitudes, wrong directions, wrongness in general.

I've been miserable lately truly and totally. My beloved darling dear is far away. I'm working more than twice that I ever have before. I was shaken for a while and I never really felt my normal self while I was cast adrift.

There was a problem. I knew existed but I couldn't figure out what it was or where it came from.

It dawned on me today why I've been feeling so hopeless. Why I've been doing so poorly. Why my head has been so cloudy. I've been shadowed and obscured. My vision has been poor, my mind has been misguided. My North Star has hidden itself behind a deep dark nebula obscura.

To beauty of frustration such as this is the simplicity of its true defeat. And I? I have defeated it!

The Future of Open Ended Emaculate Frustration..

I am the streetlight.

The bright one on the corner.

The one that flickers.

The Days of Will

Days like today are frustrating. Mostly because I get to wake up and go to a room in a building seven minutes away, every couple hours, for an hour, all day today. Unfortunately I will be doing this for days and days, however I'm lucky in that I'm going to get to avoid it by going home for a couple of them.

I have never missed home more. I have never missed home for such a specific reason either.

Every single day I contemplate abandoning what I am doing here to leave and return to the life I had before. I know how I can do it, but it would be the end of the plan I have set out to follow and accomplish. I would be cast adrift. I would have no prospects, no future, except an endlessness that I cant really believe I would be able to stomach.

No, I can never truly go back.

I'm worried right now though, weather or not I will be able to reach beyond the tasks that I have set for myself. Whether I will have the will to continue when everything that I am is telling me I belong somewhere else, doing something else. Do I have the strength of character? Do I have what it takes to spend the next five and one half years doing something fucking terrible?

There is something else too, that complicates things. Someone back home, who misses me. Who I miss unlike any other. What would I say to her?

I can not fail.